![[ Galadriel on a white sand beach in Eressea, finally answering the question `Sė man i yulma nin enquantuva?' (`Who now shall refill the cup for me?') ]](vacation.jpg)
On January 11, 1997 William Hsu <w-hsu@ai.uiuc.edu> remarked:I was just at Parma Endorion, where the renowned Michael Martinez has written a slightly tongue-in-cheek treatise on how boring life can be in the Undying Lands. I reflected on this briefly, and put together a rebuttal which I now submit to you for evaluation...
Things to Do in Aman- Write tabloid stories about the latest sightings of Maglor, Son of Feanor and Daeron of Doriath (and their backup singers, Elured and Elurin)
- Pester Manwe with questions about the identity of Tom Bombadil (whaddaya wanna bet, he doesn't know either)
- Go fishin' in the Pools of Elentari, now empty of Liquid Light from the Two Trees but an excellent source of largemouth bass and the biggest lake trout this side of the Sundering Seas
- Petition for your favorite Noldo's release from Mandos (yeah, right, as if)
- Stomp around the Caves of the Forgotten beneath Old Tirion, having a good laugh at Ar-Pharazon and his buried buddies
- Palantiri + H)yper T)engwar M)arkup L)anguage = Arda-Wide Web (yeah, yeah, they don't call it that in Valinor, too reminiscent of Ungoliante, I know...)
- Start a ``Radagast Come Home'' letter-writing campaign
- Guess what? The Mouth of Sauron was not a Black Numenorean after all, but a renegade Elf of Greenwood... after his death in the War of the Ring his spirit floated over to Namo's ``Ain't No Court TV Here'' Halls, where dozens of Elves from Lothlorien line up every day to dunk him into a vat (converted light vat; see above) of Kine of Araw chips
- Snowboarding on the slopes of Taniquetil
- Hang around all the coolest Maiar in the hopes of becoming an Istari-groupie and being one of the only Eldar to be sent back to Middle-earth
- In the Fourth Age: experiment with Frodo and Gimli, feeding them variations of Ent-draughts and trying to get each taller than the other (both reached the height of the average Dunadan in less than 5 years and their growth shows no signs of stopping --- boy, was Sam surprised when he finally got to Aman and met Frodo again; Legolas thought Gimli was a Balrog!)
- Having a good laugh with the five surviving Entwives who stowed away on Cirdan's ship
- Join the Earendil Fan Club
- Arm-wrestling with Tulkas (the few Vanya who tried it threw out their shoulders right quick)
- Betting pool on when Galadriel and Celeborn would finally set sail (this continued way into the Fourth Age, I hear)
- In the Second and Third Ages: taking a ferry to Tol Eressea and trekking up to Avallone to give Sauron the finger through the Masterstone
- Yeah, sure, Numenoreans brought the first corn and wine to Middle-earth, but who do you think brought the first corn squeezin's to Numenor?
- Start a Relics of Beleriand collection (e.g., Idril and Company may have brought a few goodies out of Gondolin, which came to the Blessed Realm by Mighty Mariner Express)
- Snorkeling in Ulmo's authentic kraken-infested Barrier Reef
- Michael Martinez mentions Elven space travel at the end of his essays... well, duh! Why do you think the extraterrestrials on Dark Skies are called ``Grays''?!
[Seriously: Earendil is the original cosmonaut, of course, Maiar carrying near celestial bodies notwithstanding.] - Killer surf waves in the Bay of Eldamar courtesy of Osse (bugs the living @&#! out of the Teleri of Alqualonde, though)
- Try to tell Earendil | Elrond | Tuor's writing apart from a born Elf's (cf. a remark made in /Fellowship/ that Eldar cannot differentiate among mortals' poetic styles, even Dunedain and Hobbits)
- Yodeling on Oiolosse (where else?)
- Stage some of those ``who would win in a fight?'' fights
(I hear Mandos is going to put a damper on the actual fatalities soon, though... bummer...) - Hang-gliding with Thorondor
- Watching the Edain fear whiz by like mosquitos to a bug zapper...
- Attending the Valarin Gardening and Pet Show contests hosted by Yavanna
(after she won for 7000 Years of the Sun in a row stright, they decided to make her a non-participant judge to keep things interesting) - Hang around Lorien hoping to catch a glimpse of Olorin in his original Maiar form
- Mount a submarine expedition to sunken Numenor
- Starring in the Eldarin version of the Mountain Dew commercials (``Plummeting from the pinnacle of a mountain engaged in mortal combat with a Balrog? Been there, done that...'')
Stephen Geard <sgeard@msn.com> noted:
Re: Betting pool on when Galadriel and Celeborn would finally set sail (this continued way into the Fourth Age, I hear)
Galadriel set sail at the end of the Third.
Re: Watching the Edain fear whiz by like mosquitos to a bug zapper...
Nasty.
But did Celeborn?
S. M. Ryan <smryan@vval.com> answered:Yes, and Gimli ended up out on the ledge.
Re: Watching the Edain fear whiz by like mosquitos to a bug zapper...
Watch their fear thumbing their noses towards Manwe on their way out.
Michael J. Frankel <mjf@sashimi.wwa.com> added to the list and William Hsu <w-hsu@ai.uiuc.edu> commented:
Bravo! (I'm pissed for not thinking of some of those myself: especially giving Sauron the finger--hehe.)
The ring finger, if that warn't clear enough (i.e., the gesture he can't return)...
Okay, I'm in kind of a sick mood. So here's my contribution (and major reasons why the returned Noldor don't live in Valinor)...
Man, you're *vicious*. I'd thought of each of these (in various forms) but I guess I wasn't mean enough to write 'em down.
- With some of your Noldo buddies trek to Ezellohar and attach thousands of very powerful flashlights to the corpses of Laurelin and Telperion.
... and you think the next Vanya who walks up is going to do a double take and start shouting for her friends to come look how they came back to life? Sorry, but it'd take more than a few thousand halogen bulbs to pull this one off --- try directing the practical jokes at Tilion, Arien, or Earendil (being ``only'' an Elf, perhaps the easiest mark)... - Play mean practical jokes on Nienna; she won't fight back: watch her stand there, look at you with those big eyes and burst into tears. The sissy!
Yeah, keep laughing until her big bruddahs stomp on down and work you over real good. You ain't seen ``Nightmare on Elm Street'' until you've seen it enacted by the Fabulous Flying Feanturi! - You and two of your best Noldo buddies do a "Weekend at Bernie's" thing with Miriel. Draw lots as to who gets to --ahem-- *distract* the maidens of Este.
I thought of this, but thought it was overkill. (D'Oh! They didn't say anything about Pun Police in Aman...)
Bill
Lorien: Yo, Manny, didja put Nahar's head in his bed like I toldja?
Mandos: Lou Calaquendi sleeps with da fishes...
Patrick G. Matthews <patrick@mraintl.com> pointed out:
To nitpick about an otherwise hilarious and high-joy-producing post, Sauron didn't acquire the palantir from Minas Ithil until around TA 2000. That still left over 1000 years for the more rambunctious among the Eldar in Aman to flip Sauron the bird from afar :)
The abuse of Eldar and Ainur alike continued with suggestions by George Hubert <ghubert@curly.cc.emory.edu>, Jim Gregors <hellrzr@concentric.net>, and David A. Cramer <mookie@eagle.cc.ukans.edu>;
Ask Tulkas if his watch is running. He's far too dumb to get it.
Drink a 12-pack of Limpe and grope the elf-chicks?
Sell T-shirts with the words:
I saw the Trees in full bloom and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
Lirazel <lirazel@aol.com> evened the score with:
Ok, ok... time to think of some fun things for female-type beings to do in Aman!
- Enter the Perpetual Lembas Bake-Off
- Pick over the stuff Feanor left behind
- Join the Lorien Garden Club and loll around the fountain all day
- Go "starlighting" with Elbereth
- Hang out with Arien after-hours and get an amazing tan
Jim Gregors <hellrzr@concentric.net> started some urban legends:
These sounds like activities for the elf-matrons. What about the single girls?
- Go to Tulkas' Gym and check out the guys
- Attend the singles dance party at Nienna's Hall
- Go shopping with the Telerin (aka, 'girly') men
- Get naked and dance around with Vana
- Sit around and complain about how all single elf-males are balrogs
- Sit around and gossip about which kindred has the biggest 'package'
Chris Kevlahan <chriskev@sun.com> steered the conversation back east, prefiguring TORn's Middle-earth Tours and Peter Jackson's film:
- Whitewater rafting down the Sirion.
- Flyfishing in the Brandywine.
- Dwarf tossing (extremely dangerous).
- Surfing at the Greyhavens.
- Ringing the door at the dark tower, and running.
- Caradhras alpine ski resort.
- Spelunking the mines of Moria.
- Tossing a slinky down the endless stairs at Minas Morgul.
- Challenging a Balrog to Mumbly pig.
Tar Vilya <vilya@ecity.net> and Lalaith <andreas.moehn@wiesbaden.netsurf.de> added:
Of course, Trick-or-Treating in the Barrow Downs could be considered a great event.
What about:
- Ice-sailing on the Bay of Forochel?
- Wheel of fortune in Isengard?
[Ed. - alt.fan.tolkien proves clairvoyant again, perhaps?] - Diving the Moria lake?
- Barrel-riding the Rauros?
- Fill water from the Enchanted River in bottles and sell them to insomniacs.
- Thoroughbred-racing in Edoras.
- "Eavesdrop your neighbour - five minutes on Amon Lhaw: twelve pennies!"
Michael Martinez <michaelm@swcp.com> stopped in to comment:
Shameless plug follows.
Since my essay seems to be the root of all this heartfelt evil, people might want to take a look at PARMA ENDORION: ESSAYS ON MIDDLE-EARTH. The URL is:
http://www.xenite.org/parma/title.htm [Ed. - URL updated Spring, 2002.]I like the idea of using Arien as a tanning salon, BTW. Can you imagine a nude Elvish beach? I think not. Hence, if the ladies gardening club of Lorien invited Arien to become a member, the mythical "fair complexioned Elves" might have become bronzed Adonises and Artemises.
Lalaith <andreas.moehn@wiesbaden.netsurf.de> and Michael J. Frankel <mjf@sashimi.wwa.com> discussed:Where is the point in a nude Elvish beach if Luthien is not there?
One word: VARDA.
A while later, the thread started up again when Lirazel <lirazel@aol.com> reminded us of the dangers of miruvor:
I was rereading the notes to "Namarie" in *The Road Goes Ever On* and found this one:
Drinking sweet mead with Varda until the stars tremble at the sound of her voice.
(Those who have drunk what usually passes for mead in these parts will know *exactly* what I mean!)
Dan <synwulf@midwest.idsonline.com> ran with this, prefiguring the Dark Age of Ecstasy:I thought it was limpe or something....I could bop over the Wisconsin border and get some cheap Fox Deluxe, stopping on the way to make a cropcircle...
How's about another one to add:
Rivendell Rave Revival -- blame those dancing, singing, merrymaking telling tall tales type elves...
- Bungee-jumping into Khazad-Dum
- Magnetising the roads in Dain's kingdom.
- Hang-gliding with Gwaihir.
Michael Martinez <michaelm@swcp.com> noted:
Pardon my officiousness, here, but since it was my Aman essay which started all this off, I thought I'd point out that neither Khazad Dum nor Dain's kingdom are in Aman. :)
Lirazel <lirazel@aol.com> added Losgar to the itinerary:
I was wondering when someone would notice this...
BTW, bet there's some great scuba diving around the old Shipburning location...
Michael J. Frankel <mjf@sashimi.wwa.com> turned the tables:
Lembas smores (heated over a newly dead balrog corpse)
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This page of the Irony Menagerie brought to you by William H. Hsu, better known round these parts as Banazir the Jedi Hobbit.