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Alternative authors for Lord of the Rings

From a number of threads on 'mixing literature' in late 1999 in alt.fan.tolkien, rec.arts.books.tolkien, rec.arts.movies.misc, alt.books.cs-lewis, rec.arts.books, alt.fan.douglas.adams

Calamity Arwen meets Lucky Gandalf:


Öjevind suggests:
Gandalf, the wizard who throws thunderbolts faster than his own shadow, rides around Middle-earth saving people in distress. He saves them from Orcs, Easterlings and above all from Sauron, the evil ruler of the lawless town of Doomstone. Not even the infamous Cotton brothers, as evil as they are stupid, can stop him, not even when he is impeded by the well-meaning but terminally stupid tracker dog Huhuhuan. He is friendly with the wild, roving tribes of Púkel-men. And as he rides through the lands on his trusty horse, Jolly Shiver, he sings: "I'm a poor lonesome wizard and a long way from home..."

Mia asks: Is he Gandalf the Belgian-Flag Coloured?

Öjevind replies: Of course he is - and in the latest episode, he has met Calamity Arwen, a really tough babe who can beat the shit out of any man, which is why she can't find one that is willing to marry her. (Raven wonders: That's after an Orc put an arrow in Aragorn's back at the Prancing Pony then?) Gandalf is trying to teach her a bit of feminine modesty and moderation, something that Arwen finds it $£@{%&¤#"!$%&/#!!! hard to acquire.
Raven again: But it really came in handy when they had to defeat Saruman and Wormtongue who were running booze and arms to the Haradrim, though.

Hitchhikers scroll to Middle-Earth:

Random Chance:
Frodo sits sadly in front of his house trying to stop the local town crew from digging it up to make a new roadway. Along comes Gandalf who convinces him to come and have a drink. While they talk there is a rumbling and a crew on horses with the name "Sauron's Thruway services" destroys the Shire. Frodo and Gandalf find themselves inexplicably on the back of one of the horses. Gandalf is tightly clutching a towel.

Bill is inspired:

"The letters are Elvish, but the poetry is that of Vogon, which I will not utter here (lucky for you).
Loosely translated, it reads..."

Aragorn stood revealed in all his majesty. "42!" he cried.

And perhaps here the answer to one of *those* queastions:
Remember: Bombadil == Slartibartfast...

One or two others don't agree:
-No that would have to be Sauron, making worlds instead of rings.
-No, I believe that Slartibartfast earned his award making fjords.
-One presumes for Norwegian Blue parrots...
-Or Norwegian Blue Fell Beasts (yet another holiday favorite here on a.f.t)...
-That's scary...the fortune I got today when I logged into one of my many accounts on campus was: Sauron is alive in Argentina! Now I'm scared.


Mika-Petri Lauronen feels inspired to look for more parallels:
Gandalf = Ford Prefect
Bilbo / Frodo = Arthur Dent
Saruman = Zaphod Beeblebrox
Wormtongue = Tricia Maximillian
Gollum = Marvin, the paranoid Android
Sauron = Vogon Jeltz
Minas Tirith = Milliways, the Restaurant at the end of the Universe
Palantir = The Htchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy


and concludes: Hmm... Tolkien estate ought to sue...

Bill's comment on the Saruman = Zaphod Beeblebrox idea: "Hrm, and I thought his being of two minds about the Ring was just metaphorical..." and he suggests some changes; rather than Minas Tirith = Milliways, the Restaurant at the end of the Universe, Imladris = Rivendell, the Homely House at the Ford of the Bruinen," and adds:
-Smeagol's Niiiice Babel Fishes...
-The Infinite Improbability Ring!



Miscellaneous books

Raven adds, and some people hazard their guesses:

A group of Hobbits, led by Walnut and prompted by his younger brother Runt, flee the Shire, just in time to escape the destruction of the Shire at the hands of Sharkey's ruffians. Almost all the Hobbits who refused the warning perish in a dreadful way. Trusting their own cunning and Frilúvatar, they found a new Shire, but not without troubles first.

Watership Shire
Or, how about "Weathertop Down"?

Arwen Evenstar accompanies Aragorn in the Wild, making an endearing fool of herself. Then, as he accompanies her in her home city of Rivendell, the roles are reversed.

_Aragorn, King of the Dunadan_.

Rosie Gamgee, happily married and busy raising her child, has violent flashbacks from her forgotten past. When Grishnákh shows up and tries to kill her for no reason that she can discern, she is forced to remember that past - and face it.
"The Long Kiss Goodsecondbreakfast".

A murderous Maia is on the rampage. But who is he? Where will he strike next? Gandalf is forced to seek the advice of Sauron, who was imprisoned for similar crimes. But who aids whom? Sauron is unrepentant, and *very* cunning...

"The Silence of the Hobbits".
Sauron: "Ar-Pharazon tried to question me once. I ate his liver, with some mushrooms and a nice ale. sthipsthipsthipsthip."

Four English children find a wardrobe that contains more than appears from its outside. They thought that they played hide-and-seek in a large, old English country-house, but suddenly Orcs cry harshly, swords flash, shafts fly, and Sauron is *very* interested in making their aquaintance...for he knows that only they have the power to defeat him. But the talking horse Aslowfax is on their side.

_The Horse, the Dark Lord, and the Wardrobe_.

Frodo and slave Sam set out on an epic raft-journey down the Anduin, hoping to reach freedom in Arnor of the North. But the river takes them further and further south...

The Adventures of Huckleberry Frodo.

Bill laments: "Hrm, I could only get 3 of these, Unlettered Fool (tm) that I am..."

"The Silence of the Orcs" and "Curunir" (but Grima's the cannibal)...
"The Meara, The Maia, and The Wardrobe", part of the "Chronicles of Middle-earth" (hrm, "Inkling-swapping", sounds like fun).
"Buckland-berry Baggins"



Raven gives us the answers: I'll answer myself on this one. I have been guessed out on all counts, so I might as well own them up. Some of the names were, as is usual in such guessing-games, better than the ones the author thought up:
-Watershire down
-Crocodile Dunadan
-The Short Kiss Goodnight
-Frodoberry Finn (for the alliteration)



Asterix

Jereeza suggests:
TA 3018 - Sauron's armies have occupied all of ME.
All?
Not all, for a small village of brave Hobbits still resists, largely thanks to the wizard Gandalf and his magic potion which gives the Hobbits supernatural strength.
Meet some of our heroes, like the cunning little Frodo and his big and slow, but strong friend Sam whose favourite game is beating the Mordor out of Orcs...

Jon guesses: Frodoix le 'Obbit.

Tony Durran wonders: Does this make Bilbo Cacofonix (Unsure about the spelling), or is that balsphemous?



Shakespeare

Bill offers:
SARUMAN:
I will not yield
To kiss the ground before Theoden's steed
And to be baited with the Mark's blood curse
Though Fangorn Wood be come to Isengard
And thou opposed, being all in white reborn
Yet I will try the last. Lay on, Gandalf!
And damned be he that prays to be absolved!

Janie Khodor proves that, while great minds think alike, so do people in this thread:
"Saruman." (As in, "MacBeth") "Lay on, MacDuff!
And damned be he that first cries "Hold! Enough!"
I knew 10th grade was good for something.

StevieRayVonnegut adds:
 MacRing
The Entish Play
"Out Out you damn ring (around Orthanc)"
MacSharky

and appoints himself Chairman of the Shire Shakespeare Society, Michel Delving, The Shire

Bill again:
Enter CIRDAN, GANDALF, and GALADRIEL. GANDALF: When shall we three meet again...?

GRIMA: Out, out, damned rock!


And, of course, there's the vision of the line of Elendil restored that
Aragorn sees when he looks into the Palantir. (Well, perhaps Arathorn...)


Fly, Fleance, you fool!

Softrat wonders: Was Fleance a balrog?

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