Palantir XP
From a thread titled "Palantir '98?" in rec.arts.books.tolkien
by O. Sharp in November 1998, and a thread in alt.fan.tolkien titled "MS Windows and the LoTR
Movie" in July 2001. The final item, 'Palantir XP', was originally posted in alt.fan.tolkien in October 2000.
Analogies among operating systems such as
Microsoft Windows and
other things have been around for at least as long as Windows
itself; think of
`FOOTOS',
the `How to
Shoot Yourself in The Foot' list of programming languages,
`If cars were designed
like computers', and similar compilations.
An old favourite is
The Truth
about Windows 95, a theory that I fear explains a lot about
Windows. Of course, the Tolkien newsgroups have produced their own takes
on this, and one of them led into speculations about the Palantiri. (The
thread about peoples' favourite Tolkien references that this one originated
from also sparked a discussion about Schrödinger's Cat, but, well,
what can you expect...)
In the parental thread someone waxed lyrical about what you can do with a Palantir:
And the fact that you have unlimited storage capability, and your zoom lens can infinitely magnify images and
view things beyond the horizon, and you could share thoughts with other people. It's like a super-spy-
satellite/telepathic/teleconferencing device with a memory containing EVERYTHING!
Posted by O. Sharp <ohh@netcom.com>:
GordonLew (gordonlew@aol.com) asks of the Palantiri:
: That sounds good, but what is the Warranty and service contract like? And
: no matter what, I bet Microsoft provides the operating system. Ycchh.
Well, just for the sake of stirring things up: is this last statement
plausible? :)
...Arguments AGAINST the Palantir being a Microsoft[tm] product:
- The moral authority to use it came from the heirs of Elendil. If it were
a Microsoft product, doubtless the authority to use it would have come
from either Morgoth, Sauron, or their respective lawyers.
- By all accounts, the Palantiri were useful.
- By all accounts, the Palantiri actually _worked_.
...Arguments in FAVOR of the Palantir being a Microsoft[tm] product:
- Denethor used a Palantir for an extended period of time, went crazy,
and killed himself. :)
Another argument in favour of the Palantir being a Microsoft[tm] product came
from GordonLew:
Denethor's Palantir froze up afterwards, only showing his burning hands, and
couldn't be reset; that sounds like an MS product to me.
The discussion ended here, but later on, in an alt.fan.tolkien thread about the
FotR film and what it would have looked like if it had been made using Windows, it was
suggested that Palantir users might experience compatibility problems in Windows XP.
It started when Meneldil <meneldil@my-deja.com> posted the following:
[A modified version of a very old slashdot post]
As you know, it's been announced that the graphics for the LoTR movies
will be rendered by machines running Linux. Here're some thoughts on
what the movie would have looked like had they used Windows:
- Nothing happens when Frodo tries to use the ring at Weathertop.
However, the ring inscription changes to: "The invisibility module has
performed an illegal operation and will be shut down".
- Sam looks strangely like a paper clip. All his lines are replaced by
a single line, which he keeps repeating every five minutes: "Mr. Frodo,
sir! It looks like you're trying to destroy the ring. Would you like
to get help with the quest, or continue destroying the ring without any
help?"
- For some odd reason, Sauron and his Nazgul show an eerie resemblance
to Steve Jobs, and Gollum looks just a little bit like Linus Torvald.
The Nazgul ride penguins everywhere.
- The Company is unable to camp in the open, because the stars seem to
move towards them all the time, making everyone sick.
- The Cracks of Doom are replaced by the Blue Screen of Doom. Frodo is
hypnotized by the eerie blue light and completely forgets about the One
Ring.
- The ring is not destroyed in the fire, but is only transferred to a
Recycle Bin. Sauron recovers the ring. However, when he tries to use
it, Barad-dur crashes.
The following additions, questions and suggestions came from admin
<dpsmith44@hotmail.com>, Laurie Forbes <rforbes1@maine.rr.com>,
Anthony Steven <anthony@traintheworld.com.getrid>, kiltedjedi@my-deja.com
<kiltedjedi@my-deja.com>, Scooter <joh3092@newsguy.com>, anon
<anon@nowhere.com> and Donald Shepherd <donald_shepherd@hotmail.com>:
But wouldn't Sauron just have made another ring that was more powerful and a
lot more secure (I think the 9 rings given to Men were just upgrades until the ONE)?
Then would the Three be "release candidates" or "utilities"?
And wasn't Saruman working on his own Service Pack?
But that voided his warranty, making him guilty of piracy, so Mordor
arrested him and seized all ring-making equipment.
Or, Frodo would be arrested for Ring Piracy for not returning it to the
licensed user. One A. Sauron, 1 Defiled Place, Barad-Uhr, Morgul.
Other possibilities:
- The council of Elrond would suggest that they could just remove invisibility
from the Ring. Gandalf would then claim that invisibility was an integral
part of the Ring's functionality and could not be removed without destroying
the Ring.
- The longer Frodo wears the Ring, the slower he becomes.
- The invisibility effect would randomly stop working, at which point Frodo
would have to take the Ring off and put it back on.
- A newer version of the ring would come out every two years, but would need a
bigger and bigger finger to wear it.
- Because Lothlorien and Rivendell use AntiRing Linux, Sauron
cannot detect their prescence on the Token Ring, until he dual boots his
IBM (Irritating Bloody machine) to Linux.
- Sauron would always know who had TheRing XP(tm) because it would need to be
activated within 30 days of being put onto a different finger.
- Sauron would have problems installing the ring drivers for the Palantir
display, as the certificates would not be recognised for TheRing XP(tm), but
if he stuck with TheRing NT, he would have a devil of a time installing his
USB Roving Eye scanner.
Originally posted by Meneldil <meneldil@my-deja.com>:
'The palantir glowed softly, and Saruman knew he was summoned by Sauron
for audience. "Behold, Grima", he said "look now into the palantir,
and see the One Eye of Sauron. Look, and tremble, as you see the awful
power of the Eye!" And, laughing terribly even as Wormtongue twisted
and struggled, Saruman forced Wormtongue's face to the palantir.
'Wormtongue saw what was shown in the palantir and his face grew pale
as he said "Cor, why's his eye all blue?"
'"Blue?" thundered Saruman. "What do you mean blue?"
'"It's blue, I say" insisted Wormtongue, "And there's some funny
writing on it, like 'A fatal exception has occured at segment
0987B2:CA9021'"
'Saruman thrust Wormtongue aside and looked into the palantir.
Quickly, he arose, and his anger was terrible to behold as his voice
waxed forth in wrath, "Flames of bloody Udun. Which Mordor-accursed
idiot decided that the palantirs would run on Windows XP Home?"'
- The History of Middle Earth, Vol. XXV
"Microsoft in Middle Earth" (e-text version)
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