In The Kitchen with Öjevind

From threads titled "How To Make a Troll Pudding" and "Ojevind's Christmas baking has started..." in rec.arts.books.tolkien and alt.fan.tolkien in November 1999.
How To Make a Troll Pudding

By: Öjevind Lång

Troll Pudding

Take 400 grammes of Troll meat, preferably from a middle-class Troll; all culinary
experts agree that this meat is much more tender than the tough, stringy meat of working-class trolls and juicier than the anemic flesh of upper-class Trolls.
Chop it into small pieces.
Melt it over a slow fire until it begins to reek.
Strain it over a plate and let it set.
Then chop it into mincemeat.
Mix it with small cubes of Orc bread.
Add wolf cream and whip the mixture furiously until it has become a firm paste of a greyish-brown colour.
Add some Morgul currants and mix the mass with the beaten yolk of a Nazgûl mount egg.
Pour it all into a greased, breadcrumbed ovenproof dish.
Let it bake in the oven for about 50 minutes.
When pulling the dish out of the oven, remember to wear a mask.
Serve it with flaming sauce.
Feed it to the cat, if you are a cat-hater; otherwise, let the Balrog have it.

Öjevind



Naturally there have been many reactions to this splendid recipe. We give you the highlights below:

Of course, pudding doth not make a dinner, so it is only natural that people made suggestions about the rest of the meal....

So what's for the main course on Christmas Day?
- Dwimmerlaik a l'Orange [feeds 133 persons]?
- Stuffed Warg's Head and Orc Sweetmeats?
- Roast Buttock of Variag?
- Cajun Fried Barrow Wight?
- Braised Olog-Hai au Jus?
- Uruk Eomer (cf. Beef Wellington)?
- Shelob Surprise
and, of course
the traditional Herbs and Stewed Rabbit and Nice Fishes without Nasssty Chips.


"Praise the White Hand that gives us man-flesh to eat!"
- an Uruk


"And God bless us, every one!"
- Tiny Tim

P.S.: Say, what wine goes with Nazgul?
Retsina, is my guess. - Öjevind


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