DON CELEBORNO
or
EL BURLADOR DE CARAS GALADON

Monday, November 6, 2000 by Öjevind Lĺng

ACT I

Scene 1: Outside the house of Celeborno, the commandant of Caras Galadon.

Legolello, the lecherous Don Gimli's servant, keeps a lookout while Gimli is
inside courting the fair Galadriella, wife of Don Celeborno. Suddenly, the
door is thrust open, and out rushes Gimli (bass), pursued by Galadriella
(soprano), who cannot bear to be parted from her amorato. Gimli gives in to
Galadriella's entreaties and is kissing her when Celeborno (castrato) turns
up. Celeborno squeaks the famous "Io sono disonorato" aria and then draws
his rapier against Gimli. Gimli, however, knocks him out cold with his
cudgel and escapes.

Scene 2: A street, early in the morning.

Don Gimli is in a good mood, but Legolello upbraids him for his loose
living. Then they hear somebody coming and hide. It is a veiled lady who
appears to be quite disconsolate. Gimli is at once willing to console her
but discovers that she is one of his former mistresses, Donna Finduilas,
whom he left after three days. She reproaches him vehemently, but Gimli
defends himself and claims that he was suddenly summoned to the office.
Weeping, Donna Finduilas turns to Legolello and Gimli escapes. Legolello
sings the well-known list of all Gimli's conquests:

Beautiful Donna! Here is the catalogue
of all the women whose beauty he ravished,
the ladies and girls with kisses lavished:
These are the victims of all his tricks:
In Rohan 140, in Gondor 210,
100 in Rhovanion, in Dale 99,
But in Lórien, here in Lórien, 1006;
Though back in Moria, far from the sun,
his number of conquests was none.

Donna Finduilas is so shaken by this revelation that Legolello manages to
escape as well.

Scene 3: Outside an inn.

Gimli is chatting up an Elvish peasant girl, twirling his beard, when two
Elves, Don Haldiro and Don Rumilio (baritones), approach him and ask him to
assist them in catching the insolent person who beat the commandant
unconscious. Gimli plays helpful and asks what the housewrecker looks like.
Haldiro and Rumilio, who like all people in operas are absolutely clueless,
tell him that he is a Dwarf of a most villainous and lecherous aspect. Gimli
agrees that Dwarves are terrible ladykillers and sings the famous "Cherry
Aria" (banned in Boston).

Dwarves are never out of luck,
never go without a... [censored]

and so on.
  Then they walk into the inn to drink to their friendship.

ACT II

Scene 1: The street outside the commandant's house.

Arm in arm, Gimli and his newfound friends reel up to the house. Haldiro and
Rumilo stagger inside to fetch Don Celeborno. Galadriella looks out and
perceives Gimli. Blind with infatuation, she rushes out, sweeps up Gimli and
covers his face with kisses. Still holding Gimli, she then sings a torrid
tune (inspired by Wood-elvish folk songs) called "My Heart Belongs to
Gimli". Don Celeborno and his friends come out. When Celeborno recognizes
Gimli, he is filled with wrath and draws against him, but Gimli knocks him
cold and escapes.

Scene 2: The street outside the commandant's house.

Early the next morning. Galadriella opens the door and furtively kisses
seven Dwarves good-bye. Celeborno turns up with his friends and tries to
sing a furious aria, but his squeaky tones make everybody stop their ears.
Suddenly, Gimli turns up and knocks him stone cold. When the terrible
singing stops, everybody applauds, even Don Haldiro and Don Rumilio. Before
their ears have recovered, the Dwarves scatter in all directions. Gimli
strolls off with a wink at Galadriella.

Scene 3: The street outside the commandant's house.

Early the following morning. Galadriella opens the door and furtively says
good-bye to thirteen Dwarves, a wizard and a strange little fellow with
furry feet. Don Celeborno comes out of the house after them with his
friends, but when he fills his chest to sing, Haldiro and Rumilio run away.
Gimli turns up and knocks Don Celeborno cold. The others sing a merry
country song, but when they hear the city guard approaching, they change
their tune and sing:

To get away from coppers grim,
from dungeons deep and caverns dim,
we must away ere break of day,
so now away! so now away!

They all run off, except Galadriella who sadly walks back into the house.

ACT III

Scene 1: The street outside the commandant's house

Gimli turns up and starts to sing a love aria to Galadriella. She throws
open a window on the second stair and joins the song. Their beautiful duet,
"These Lips Were Made For Kissing" is interrupted by Don Celeborno, but when
he opens his mouth to sing, Gimli knocks him stone dead. Then he and
Galadriella run off together, hand in hand.

Scene 2: The churchyard

Gimli is drunk. On his way home, he takes a shortcut through the churchyard.
He passes Don Celeborno's grave and mocks the stone effigy of the
commandant, inviting him to his home for dinner that evening. To his
amazement, the statue answers and promises to come. Gimli is aghast. He
looks at his wine bottle, throws it away and sings a mournful song in which
he promises to become a sober, hard-working Dwarf and a model husband for
Galadriella. Then he walks home, quite steadily.

Scene 3: Gimli's home.

Galadriella makes a dreadful discovery. On hearing Gimli and Legolello sing
a comical but loving song called "You say MORAYA and I say MOREEA", she
realizes that Legolello is a disguised girl and furthermore pregnant with
Gimli. She boots out Legolella, to give the servant lass her proper name,
and promises to tear out Gimli's beard by its roots if he ever, ever looks
at another woman again. Cowed, Gimli promises to obey in "The Henpecked
Husband's Song". Then the couple have a reconciliation, singing the
beautiful "Springtime" duet:

O spring-time all went to my head!
And now to test the springs in our bed!

Galadriella lifts up Gimli and carries him upstairs. A light is lit behind a
window upstairs. There is a woman's delighted squeal and the light goes out.
A little later, the stone guest arrives and knocks on the door. No reaction.
He knocks again. No reaction. Motionless, he waits. Then he sags and
slouches away.

THE END