MORDOR RED EYE
to the tune of AMERICAN PIE by Don McLean
(as sung by Frodo)

Sunday, March 12, 2000 by StevieRayVonnegut (buckbucknumber1@yahoo.com)

A long, long time ago,
I can still remember how that pipeweed use to make me smile.
And I knew if I had put on my ring,
That I could make the Thrain's son not sing,
And maybe I'd be invisible for a while.

But Weathertop made me shiver,
With every epic I'd deliver,
Bad news in the Red Book,
I got pissed with P. Took.

I can't remember if I cried,
When I saw Smeagol-Gollum fall and fry.
But something touched me deep inside,
The day, the precious died.
I started singing:

(CHORUS)
Bye bye Mr. Mordor Red Eye,
Took your soul to my goal,
And I almost got fried,
And them Westernese boys were,
fightin' at the teeth against the eye,
Singing this'll be the day that I die.
This'll be the day that I die.

Did I write the book of Red?
And does "across the sea" mean I'm dead?
If Professor Tolkien told you so.
Do you believe in hobbits from holes?
Can the Valar preserve your mortal soul?

And can you teach me how to fade real slow?
Well, I know that you're in league with him,
'Cause I saw you with a palantir grin.
You both pissed off your friends,
The Nazgul he will send.

I was a lonely tween-age half-breed Took,
With a sidekick gardener and inherited bucks,
But I knew I was out of luck,
The day the precious died.
I started singing:

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Now for many years Gondor's been on her own,
And rot grows fat on a tree in a city of stone,
But that's not how it use to be,
When the Steward sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from the selfish and mean,
And a voice that came from near the Nurnen Sea.

Oh and while Arvedui thought of coming down,
The Steward denied him the winged crown,
The kinstrife began to burn,
No acceptable heir did return.

And while Saruman studied up on rings,
And moved into the Wizard's Vale thing,
The Gondorians didn't know a thing,
about the day the precious would die.
I never heard them singing:

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Through Hollin to the Misty Mountain passes,
The birds flew off and Gandalf left us,
Eighty stories high and fighting blasts.
He landed dead on Durin's Peak,
The Fellowship split at seeings seat,
And the Gray One on the sidelines couldn't speak.

Now the Morgul Air was dead perfume,
The Wraith's army marched to a morbid tune.
We got up to leave,
But Shelob Gollum would please.
And the Witch King tried to take Pelennor Fields,
But the Westernese refused to yeild,
Aragorn's Banner was revealed,
Several days before the precious died.
Eomer was singing:

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Me and Sam left the Cirith Ungol place,
With only the three headed guard to face,
And little time left until the End.
So come on now, Smeagol be nimble, Gollum be quick,
He followed us lickety split,
'Cause the precious is his only friend.

And when we got up on Mount Doom,
I changed my mind and changed my tune.
Gollum's bite it hurt like hell,
But he broke Sauron's evil spell.
And as flames climbed high into the night,
And left us in a lava filled plight,
Gandalf flew in to our delight,
The day the precious died,
The eagles were singing:

(REPEAT CHORUS)

I knew a half elf who sang the blues,
Her immortality she did lose.
To me she gave her place away.
I went down to the Rivendell for lore,
Where I'd heard the music years before,
But the Elves they had mostly gone away.
And in the Shire Wormtongue screamed,
Sharky died and Samwise dreamed.

All these words I've spoken,
I Quick Posted to J.R.R. Tolkien.
And the three being I admire most:
Elrond, Gandalf and his big ol' horse,
Went by ship with me to the coast,
Many days after the precious died.
We were singing:

Bye bye Mr. Mordor Red Eye,
Took your soul to my goal,
And I almost got fried.
And them Westernese boys were ,
Fightin' at the teeth against the Eye,
Singin' this'll be the day that I die,
This'll be the day that I die.

--With apologies to MC and JRRT--

StevieRayVonnegut,
In an Airplane with Richie Valens.