SAURON
to the tune of GASTON
from the Disney animated feature BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
(as sung by the Witch-King of Angmar)

Sunday, November 28, 1999 by William H. Hsu

"I have still this to say... you do not know your peril!"
				- The Two Towers, Ch. 7 (Helm's Deep)

SCENE: The Barad-Dur, some years after the Quest of Erebor.  SAURON and
   the WITCH-KING OF ANGMAR are taking afternoon tea on a platform near
   the pinnacle.

SAURON: Who do they think they are?!  The White Council has tangled
   with the wrong Maia!  No one dares to assail Sauron!
WITCH-KING: Heh, darn right!
SAURON: Assaulted!  Thwarted!  Driven out of Dol Guldur!  Why, it's
   more than I can bear!
WITCH-KING: Er, more blood?
SAURON: What for?  Nothing helps!  Without my Precious, I'm a Shadow
   of my former self!
WITCH-KING: Who, YOU?  Never!  Sauron, you've got to pull yourself
   together...

WITCH-KING:
   Gosh, it disturbs me to face you, Sauron
   Though I'm the great Morgul-King
   Every bad guy'd love to be you, Sauron
   Even without the One Ring!
   Where has the twinkle gone, oh my liege,
   From your terrible Lidless Eye?
   Everyone still fears and dreads it, Sauron
   Not just Nine Mortal Men doomed to die!

   No one's strong like Sauron
   Sings fell songs like Sauron
   And in snow-flinging no one's arm's long as Sauron's!

   For there's no Lord of Darkness so evil
   Twisted, abhorred, cruel, and foul
   He makes those puny Balrogs look feeble
   And he teaches these lost souls in Mordor to howl!

NAZGUL CHORUS:
   No one prods like Sauron!
   Plays "dark god" like Sauron!
WITCH-KING:
   No one stands up like a lightning rod like Sauron!

SAURON:
   Numenor really fell for my machinations!

TROLLS:
   My, what a guy, that Sauron!
   Give five hurrahs, give twelve hip-hips!
WITCH-KING:
   Sauron makes the Elves flee Middle-earth in ships!

NAZGUL CHORUS:
   No one's breath's like Sauron's
   Preys on death like Sauron
SHADE OF AR-PHARAZON:
   No one brings on the Akallabeth like Sauron!

ORC BIMBOS:
   For there's no one as guileful and cunning
SAURON:
   As you see, I've got Ringwraiths to spare
WITCH-KING:
   We set his enemies all to running
SAURON:
   That's right!
   But sometimes they "run" to my spider queen's lair!
(SHELOB chows down)

NAZGUL CHORUS:
   No one SEES like Sauron
   Burns White Trees like Sauron
   No one brings kings of Men to their knees like Sauron!

SAURON:
   I have crushed several realms through slow depredations!  Ha!
NAZGUL CHORUS:
   Ten points for Sauron!

SAURON:
   When I was a young Maia in Valinor
   I served Aule before Moon and Sun
   But now that I've set up shop in Mordor 
   I think that there can be only One!

NAZGUL CHORUS:
   No... one's... warm like Sauron
   Changes form like Sauron
   Then sends his dark will forth casting storms like Sauron!
SAURON:
   I'm a sorcerer beyond imagination!

WITCH-KING:
   Say it, you curs!
   Who's the Necromancer?
   And then say it once more 
   Who's our favorite Dark Lord?

   Who gives good guys no rest?
   Don't you know?  Can't you guess?
   Ask his slaves and the ghosts of his foes

   Of our master we sing
   He's the Lord of the Rings!

MOUTH OF SAURON:
   And his name's S-A-U-... R-...
   S-A-U-R-... E-...
   S-A-U-R-O...
(Suddenly the MOUTH OF SAURON is fried by a giant ZOT!)

TROLLS:
   Sauron!
(Many ZOTs in rapid succession)

(Eerie silence settles over the plateau of Gorgoroth)

                                  FINI

"Nor does he permit it to be spelt or spoken"