THE SILMARILLION
to the tune of THE INQUISITION
from Mel Brooks's HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I
(as sung by Morgoth and the host of Angband)

Friday, November 26, 1999 by William H. Hsu

MORGOTH:
The Silmarillion, let's begin!
The Silmarillion, look out, Men!
I've got a mission to destroy the Elves...

BALROG CHORUS:
Elves-elves-elves-elves-elves-elves-elves!

MORGOTH:
I'm gonna make 'em bow to me
'Cause I'm the Lord of all you see
And I'll enslave them in my Iron Hell!

BALROG CHORUS:
Make the Elves prostrate themselves!

MORGOTH:
Retreat, war is feckless...
Defeat's sure as death!
Your lords, rash and reckless
I'm roasting in my halls with dragon's breath!

SINDAR:
A Elbereth!

MORGOTH:
The Silmarillion, what a show!
The Silmarillion, here we go!
Hey, thanks a million
For slayin' your kin by scores
'Cause the Silmarils will be mine forevermore!

BALROG CHORUS:
The Silmarillion, oh, my!
The Silmarillion, Elves cry,
"The Noldolante, ai, ai!"

MAEDHROS:
I was going to a meeting
Tryin' to arrange a treaty
With the henchmen of the Foe, when from the mist
These Balrogs come a runnin'
And they kill off all my guardsmen
And they hang me from a mountain by my wrist!
Is that not treacherous?
Is that not cruel?
They make me out to be a silly dangling fool!

FINROD:
I was down in Tol-in-Ngauroth
Tryin' to sneak past to see Morgoth
When Sauron tried to find out who we were
Well, I tried to sing a song
But his sorcery was too strong
So he peeled off all our warts and fake Orc-fur!
Ai, the agony!
Oo, the shame!
Being chewed up by a werewolf for your name?!

MORGOTH:
The Silmarillion, what a show!
The Silmarillion, here we go!
We know you're willin'
To fight a War of Wrath,
But destiny's on my side, so do the math!

BALROG CHORUS:
Hey, Morgoth Bauglir, whaddaya got?

MORGOTH:
I just got back from Dagor Bragollach!

BALROG CHORUS:
Dagor Bragollach?  What's Dagor Bragollach?

MORGOTH:
It's when you make all da gore and then you brag a whole lot!

Skip-a-skap-a-doodle-ee-vap-a-doodle-ee-vay!
Will you retreat?

SONS OF FEANOR:
No, no, no, no!

MORGOTH:
Will you forbear?

HURIN AND EDAIN CAPTAINS:
No, no, no, no!

MORGOTH:
Admit defeat?

GWINDOR AND COMPANY:
No, no, no, no!

MORGOTH:
Will you forswear?

BOR AND SONS:
No, no, no, no!

MORGOTH:
Now I asked in a nice way
For them to lend me their ears
I pleaded for peace
Now I'll work on their TEARS!

(MORGOTH skips around hammering the ground with Grond as if it were
 a xylophone mallet, and stomps on Fingolfin's neck at the end)

BALROG CHORUS:
Hey, Morgoth Bauglir, walk this way!
We got a little game that you might wanna play,
So pull that handle,
Try your luck!

GOTHMOG:
Who knows, Morg, you might win a buck! 

MORGOTH:
All right!

(MORGOTH pulls a slot machine handle made from a dragon's
 shin-bone; three heads of the Men of Dor-Lomin line up, bells
 jangle, and the Silmarils roll into the payoff slot.)

MORGOTH (aside to THURINGWETHIL):
Put 'em in the crown.

THURINGWETHIL (aside to SAURON):
In the crown.

SAURON (aside to GOTHMOG):
In the crown.


SAURON, to EASTERLING CHIEFTAINS:
How are we doin'?  Any conquests today?

EASTERLING CHIEFTAINS:
Nary a one --- nay, nay, nay!

SAURON:
We've killed off their heroes,
We've ensnared their kings!
Nothing is working...
(snaps fingers)
Send in the Rings!

(Three very tall, light-robed, and cowled figures,
 nine tall, black-robed, and cowled figures,
 and seven short ones with hoods over their heads
 file into the room in three rows.
 In unison, they remove their robes to reveal young
 elven, human, and dwarven women in bathing suits,
 who dive into a large pool.
 GANDALF, ELROND, CIRDAN, various Numenorean and
 Easterling lords, and seven dwarf kings sprint to
 the edge of the pool and dive in.
 The FEMALE RINGBEARERS pull them under.
 After a long musical interlude, they emerge,
 carrying sparklers and wearing on their heads: a
 pointy wizard's hat, two elven circlets, seven
 crowns of mithril, and nine crowns of gold.)


MORGOTH:
The Silmarillion, what a show!
The Silmarillion, here we go!
Hey, thanks a million
For fleeing Valinor

MORGOTH AND BALROG CHORUS:
Yeah, we've got Dragons, Vampires, Wolves --- beware!
Balrogs, Trolls, and Orcs to spare!
So come on, call your armies forth to war!

MORGOTH:
'Cause the Silmarils are mine, now, for-ev-er-more!

				FINI


"Thou hast dared to mock MELkor, Master of the Fates of Arda!"
('S'good ta be da king!)